The headline is hyperbole, granted. I’m 54 years outdated. I’ve had a number of dangerous days. Was this one the worst? Unattainable to say. Can I title a worse one off the highest of my head? Now that I give it some thought, no! However we’ll get to that.
Let’s speak in regards to the automobile first. The vaunted Hyundai Elantra N! The automobile identified all through the automotive-YouTube and reddit-forum universe because the funds various to the Honda Civic Kind R and Toyota Corolla GR, providing up 98 % of their efficiency at a ten-thousand-dollar low cost (extra while you think about seller gouging). Former BMW M-father Albert Biermann’s reward to the frequent people: a track-ready weapon that’ll do double-duty as a humble household sedan when wanted, however isn’t greater than a flick of a baby-blue N button away from springing into full rifle-shot-backfire motion. What’s to not love?
Mine was a Christmas current to myself a pair years in the past. For many of my life I’ve solely pushed beater shitboxes — for the longest time taking a perverse pleasure in by no means having spent greater than $2,500 on any of them — however when my newest acquisition, a Saab 9-5 Aero wagon with a sketchy title historical past, began exhibiting indicators that its head-gasket points might need much less to do with the pinnacle than the block, I’d lastly had sufficient. Time to behave like a grown-up for as soon as and purchase myself a automobile with an precise guarantee.
A crushingly miserable conclusion on the time, as a result of I usually hate new automobiles. The load, the bloat, the superfluous and gimmicky tech, the pursuit of irrelevant numbers and advertising B.S. that solely serves to additional distance drivers from the act of driving — all of it simply bums me out. I hate computerized transmissions. All of them. I don’t care how “good” they’re. New automobiles suck. I instructed you: I’m outdated.
However then I remembered the Veloster N I’d pushed just a few years prior on the Rolex 24. I used to be in Daytona for a narrative about Hyundai’s nascent IMSA program, with Bryan Herta Autosport operating a workforce of TCRs within the Michelin Pilot Problem. When hotshoe Michael Lewis took me for a lap in my utterly inventory avenue automobile I used to be legitimately floored by the quantity of velocity he carried by way of the infield, and he gushed about how carefully the dynamics of the street automobile mirrored these of its racer-fied siblings. (Lewis would go on to win three of BHA’s subsequent five-and-counting championships within the years since.) The automobile was reasonably priced, enjoyable, and — most memorably — it felt particular.
By mid-2022 once I was procuring, although, the Veloster’s funky asymmetrical hot-hatch configuration was being phased out in favor of the extra typical four-door Elantra. Identical drivetrain, comparable suspension setup, mainly the entire Hyundai N goodness in a slightly-longer-wheelbase, extra passenger-friendly bundle. And cheaper, weirdly. I truthfully most well-liked the appears of the Veloster however wasn’t about to pay an additional thousand bucks for a jankier inside. Elantra N it was, then.
For those who recall, 2022 was additionally the yr all of us discovered accountable no matter was flawed in our lives on the world provide chain, and there was a ready checklist for just about every part; the Elantra N had gone on sale late in 2021 however I’d seen precisely one within the wild and showroom flooring have been barren. After just a few weeks of getting dicked round by out-of-state dealerships, I discovered the least terrible native outlet and put down a deposit that made me first in line for his or her subsequent 6-speed handbook allocation.
Six months later it lastly arrived, as I say, days earlier than Christmas. A white one. I didn’t significantly care in regards to the coloration, however in some unspecified time in the future throughout that interminable wait I’d had a dream a couple of white one, so this felt surprisingly fated. I introduced within the set of Michelin X-Ices mounted on Sparco Terras I had on deck for this very event, signed the paperwork whereas they threw them on, and took supply of the primary and nearly actually final new automobile I’ll ever purchase. Granted, I’m not that outdated, however I say this even now as a result of I simply can’t think about there ever once more being one other new automobile that I’ll each have the ability to afford and, crucially, need. They don’t make ’em like this anymore!
Unsurprisingly, the automobile kicked ass. I beloved it from that first drive dwelling, beloved it much more after 600 diligent break-in miles once I may lastly put my foot in it, beloved it extra nonetheless come spring when these winter tires bought swapped out for the ridiculously grippy Pilot Sports activities it shipped with. Whole Jekyll and Hyde persona, docile and chill round city however an absolute bastard when known as upon; fast and responsive, with probably the most hilariously mild rear finish I’ve ever skilled in a front-drive automobile. The annoying tech was all simply (and completely) disabled, the helpful tech intuitive and elegantly built-in with bodily controls — different producers take observe: this is the way you do a contemporary inside — and it was a easy matter to configure these N buttons in a means that allowed me to seamlessly alternate between what I considered Eco-Grandma, Quick-but-Snug, Firmed-Up-but-Not-Aggro, and Full-Ship Menace-to-Society modes. My twelve-year-old daughter who couldn’t care much less about automobiles beloved it; her buddies beloved it; all of a sudden I used to be the cool dad on account of my sizzling rod Hyundai, go determine. Even the automobile’s hideous grill was redeemed when my highschool bandmate remarked upon its unmistakable resemblance to the visage of 1 Paul Stanley, one thing that’s inconceivable to un-see as soon as it’s identified to you. We dubbed it the Carchild.
None of this got here as a shock. I knew I used to be going to love the automobile; that’s why I purchased it. What I wasn’t anticipating, although, was simply how a lot enjoyable it could be to drive one thing that I beloved so unreservedly. How uncommon, in our difficult world, to have the ability to really feel simply uncomplicatedly good about one thing! Hell, the Ns are manufactured in South Korea, so I may even fake I wasn’t implicated in Hyundai’s stateside child-labor state of affairs. I beloved going to IMSA races and rooting for the Elantra TCRs, seeing the ever-growing checklist of championships on the Herta trailers, filling out the dumb on-line surveys at Hyundai’s “activation” tents — How doubtless would I be to advocate one to a buddy? 10/10 child, all day! — and getting one other cool t-shirt in alternate, the race automobile fading to black with the tagline on the again: By no means simply drive.
Okay, I need you to think about that phrase echoing into the void because the display goes darkish and we now transition from the primary a part of our story to the second.
This may be the (probably) worst day of my life a part of the story. To set this up I would like to clarify that for the final twenty-plus years I’ve made my dwelling as a touring and recording musician, enjoying bass in a cult band known as the Mountain Goats. And whereas I stay in western New York, the remainder of the band are unfold throughout the three corners of North Carolina’s Analysis Triangle, which signifies that as a rule, our excursions began and ended from there. And since flying on this nation has grow to be an unreliable nightmare, my M.O. for ages had been to drive the eleven hours down to fulfill the bus originally of tour, go away my automobile at our drummer’s home, and drive dwelling on the finish — one thing I by no means minded. Eleven hours of peaceable, uninterrupted solitude? Are you kidding? I appeared ahead to it, particularly with my new trip making quick work of Virginia’s numerous and pleasant Blue Ridge Mountain passes.
In the direction of the top of our most up-to-date tour I awakened one morning feeling like loss of life. A Covid take a look at confirmed my suspicion: I might be lacking our final 4 exhibits. As a substitute I’d be staying behindyt in Charlottesville, Virginia, quarantined in a lodge room till such time as I may safely make my means dwelling.
Not the primary time I’d gotten Covid on tour! That had been towards the top of one among our first post-lockdown outings, within the fall of 2021, when three of us got here up constructive and I spent every week isolating in a lodge room in McLean earlier than returning dwelling to my household — Virginia being the place I am going to get Covid, apparently. My shameful secret on the time? It dominated. Not too long ago vaxxed, a gentle case, I handed the time ordering in actually good meals, watching motion pictures, studying, listening to music, monitoring the birds exterior my ninth-floor window…I privately referred to it as my Covid retreat. Bliss.
This time was not bliss. This time was, actually, the furthest factor from bliss. This was every week within the suicidal ideation chamber, a darkish evening of the soul punctuated by room service deliveries of Kleenex and Gatorade left exterior my door. Bodily I used to be a wreck: grievously in poor health and incapable of sleep, and with every part I put in my mouth tasting like absolute ass (even worse ass as soon as I bought the Paxlovid, which arrived too late to impart something however its least nice side-effects), I couldn’t actually eat both. Worse but, although, was the psychological funk, the short-circuited government functioning, the proverbial mind fog from which, as the times went on, steadily started to emerge the contours of a profoundly distressing and probably life-altering realization, to wit: I don’t assume I can do that — emphatically factors in each route — anymore. You already know that line in regards to the physique holding rating? This was the physique holding up the judges’ playing cards, and each final one among them mentioned the identical factor. Sport over, buddy.
I’d examined constructive on Monday morning; by Friday I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to GTFO. I needed to go dwelling. After all, I used to be in no situation to go wherever, however that was irrelevant. My state of affairs had grow to be untenable. I booked a rental automobile and plotted my escape.
The plan was a convoluted one, even beneath the most effective of circumstances. I’d get a rideshare from the lodge to the Charlottesville airport, the place I’d decide up the rental. Drive 4 hours to the Raleigh-Durham airport, the place’d I return it. Get one other rideshare to my automobile, a half-hour away in Chapel Hill. After which get as a lot street beneath me as I may earlier than discovering a lodge for the evening, thereby splitting the eleven hours I usually down in a single gulp into chunks that could be extra manageable given my shaky situation. Sounds cheap, although, proper? Doable, a minimum of?
Mates, once I say that it was all I may do to get myself and my stuff — a suitcase, a backpack, a duffle bag and a garment bag — from my lodge room to the foyer, I imply it was actually all I may do. Neglect about the remainder of it. From that time on, I used to be absolutely past my operational capability, reserves empty, borrowing in opposition to future returns that I don’t ever anticipate to appreciate. Truthfully? I ought to’ve been within the fucking hospital. Saline drip in my arm, medicated to oblivion. That’s not how we do issues right here, although, so as a substitute I sat down on the curb within the 90-degree Virginia morning swelter and waited for my trip.
Simply to maintain the shedding streak going, what do you suppose Avis gave me on the airport? Of all of the autos at the moment obtainable from the rental-car roulette wheel, which one would most completely complement the abject despair of this second? For those who guessed Nissan Rogue, give your self a prize, and please settle for my condolences as nicely, as a result of I’ve to think about that you simply’ve been right here earlier than too.
I drove to RDU like an entire asshole. The one redeeming high quality of a Nissan Rogue — any Nissan from the final twenty years actually — is that it telegraphs to different drivers that you don’t give a shit, a truth I used to full benefit in holding the left lane clear in entrance of me. Made shockingly good time in consequence. (It happens to me now that this could be helpful intel for future Cannonballers. Are you able to match an AMG engine in a Rogue? Does AMG make a CVT?)
It was mid-afternoon by the point I used to be dropped off in our drummer’s gravel driveway, exhausted however grateful to have the toughest half behind me. I snapped a pic of our automobiles sitting subsequent to one another and texted it to him; Hurricane Debby had come by way of and dumped a ton of rain a pair days earlier, and I’d had visions of exhibiting as much as downed timber or worse. Fortunately, the automobiles and his home appeared to have weathered the storm unscathed. I loaded up the Hyundai, checked the oil, bought myself settled in and rolled out onto the road with an enormous sigh of reduction. In some way, I’d executed it. I used to be in my automobile, pointed towards dwelling. All that was left now was to simply drive. Simple. Simply drive.
Sorry, what was that?
Barely a mile down the street the test engine mild flashed and the automobile went into limp mode. Pedal-to-the-floor-going-nowhere limp mode.
Now, I’m usually a reasonably profane particular person in my on a regular basis life, and I are likely to get extra volubly profane when shit that’s purported to work begins fucking up, for instance. It’s a measure of how totally defeated I felt at this second that the phrases that got here out of my mouth weren’t a torrent of abuse, of pure, undistilled rage directed at everybody and nobody directly, however one thing nearer to a whimper: No. Please no. Please don’t do that to me. Not now. Not at this time.
I pulled off onto a aspect avenue and pulled my trusty $20 OBD-II reader out of the middle console, a behavior leftover from beater days. A formality; as with the Covid take a look at, I already knew the reply. P1326 — the knock sensor. A identified situation with these automobiles, one going again years on fashions all through the Hyundai vary. There are boards filled with tales of automobiles throwing codes and going into limp mode after a visit by way of a automobile wash, or worse, a puddle; certainly, I’d identified sufficient that once I took my automobile to get Waxoyled I particularly instructed the man to be light when cleansing across the knock sensor beforehand, confirmed him precisely the place it was and every part. For some purpose the attachment the place the sensor is related is very vulnerable to moisture and can quick out if water collects atop it. Mine had behaved itself till at this time; clearly it was ready till the time was proper to inflict most psychic harm and let me know that I’d purchased the funds sport sedan equal of a fucking F-35.
Thrust all of a sudden from the anticipation of a zenned-out few hours of open street into obligatory problem-solving mode, my still-fogged mind struggled. What do I even do? I limped to the car parking zone of a close-by vintage retailer to get out of hurt’s means. The automobile’s heart display proffered a button with directions to name Hyundai service instantly. Unsure what that’s going to perform, however okay, positive. They dispatched a tow truck and instructed me to take a seat tight. Within the meantime I scrolled by way of discussion board posts on my telephone — can’t I simply clear the code? There’s nothing really flawed with the automobile, proper? After just a few unsuccessful makes an attempt, I ultimately managed to search out the mixture of ignition sequences and code-reader inputs that put out the engine mild. Okay, candy, again in enterprise. I texted the tow driver again and instructed him his companies have been not required. Pulled triumphantly again onto the street and made it almost half-way throughout the intersection when the sunshine got here again on and automobile went again into limp mode.
Now got here the profanity.
When selecting a spot in your whole nervous breakdown, there are a variety of things you’re going to wish to think about. Fewer individuals round to witness it the higher, in fact. For those who’re outside, perhaps search for shade? Lastly, it’s nice if there’s some large heavy objects close by you could decide up and throw in a futile expression of your individual helplessness, simply to really feel such as you’re doing one thing — free bricks or large pavers are perfect for this.
Fortunately for me there was an empty workplace park inside coasting distance, with a car parking zone completely suited to the event. You ever seen a grown-ass, middle-aged man utterly lose his shit? It’s not fairly. However generally in life it takes a second like this to shake you out of no matter combination of complacency and denial you’ve been dwelling in, and admit to your self that it may well’t proceed, nevertheless a lot grief it’s going to trigger you. In habit circles they name it hitting backside. In my case it meant calling again the tow truck driver.
By the point he confirmed up it was 5 o’clock, on a Saturday. The service division on the nearest dealership was closed, naturally, and wouldn’t open once more till Monday morning. I briefly thought-about staying till then however rapidly realized that if I needed to spend one other full day in a lodge room…nicely, let’s simply say that wasn’t actually an possibility. I left the automobile on the seller, bought one more rideshare again out to an airport lodge, and flew dwelling the following day.
To Hyundai’s credit score, the automobile was fastened — knock sensor changed — Monday morning, and the company individuals I spoke with have been exceedingly useful in arranging to have the automobile returned to me on their dime with assurances that I’d be reimbursed for all bills incurred. And positive sufficient, every week later the automobile was again in my driveway.
I don’t even wish to take a look at the damned factor.
Each little bit of enthusiasm I ever had for it has been completely extinguished. The t-shirts went within the trash. It’s so humorous to me now, once I take into consideration the a yr and a half I spent meticulously altering my very own oil, doing two-bucket hand washes, parking on the far finish of the grocery store lot like a boomer with a brand new 911. What a chump! What an absolute fucking mark! It’s a Hyundai, bro!
A few of you studying this could be pondering nicely come on, man, it’s a automobile. Issues occur. And also you’re proper, in fact. Look, I’ve dailied decades-old Saabs for a big chunk of my life. There’s a purpose I carry an OBD-II reader, even in a brand new automobile. I get it.
However my behavior of utilizing phrases like “funds” and “reasonably priced” in relation to this automobile shouldn’t obscure the truth that, out the door, after taxes and vacation spot and every part else, I paid almost forty thousand {dollars} for this factor. We’ve been conditioned to assume that’s not quite a bit, however to me a minimum of, it’s a colossal sum. And but they couldn’t spend the additional buck-fifty it could’ve price for a weatherproof connector to get me dwelling on a day once I’d all however killed myself simply looking for my means into within the driver’s seat. By no means simply drive, certainly!
Half of me desires to commerce it for a Corolla — not a GR, simply a Corolla, a center finger to the whole concept of a cool automobile, the cheaper the higher — however my child has made it clear that whereas she’s positive with me quitting my rock-star job, eliminating “her” Hyundai would mark a breach of father-daughter relations for which I’d by no means be forgiven. That, together with the knowledge that I’d be screwing myself financially by promoting at this level, are purpose sufficient to maintain it, a minimum of for now.
In spite of everything this, would I nonetheless advocate an Elantra N to a buddy?
Effectively, it relies upon. Simply utilizing it for monitor days, or to impress the twelve-year-olds in your life? Certain.
Does it rain the place you reside? Does it ever rain anyplace you might need purpose to go? May there ever be a state of affairs the place your sanity relies upon upon the automobile getting you from one place to a different?
If that’s the case, I’d say the N in that case stands for Not in your fucking life.
